Tuesday 20 Feb 2018
  • Increase font size
  • Default font size
  • Decrease font size
Psalm 1: 2-3

Blessed is the man Who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, Nor stands in the path of sinners, Nor sits in the seat of the scornful; But his delight is in the law of the LORD, And in His law he meditates day and night. He shall be like a tree Planted by the rivers of water, That brings forth its fruit in its season, Whose leaf also shall not wither; And whatever he does shall prosper.

The marriage that God ordained - Man/Husband/Father/Head

Article Index
The marriage that God ordained
Divorce was never an option in the eyes of God
It is better not to marry - Mathew 19:10?
Woman/Wife/Mother and Helper
It is a holy union that requires the daily presence of God
The reality of separation and divorce
All Pages


Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her – Ephesians 5:25.

The fact that this role has been abused is not debatable and it is still being abused as a result of not having a clear knowledge of the full meaning of what this role entails. Of course when the definition of the role is taken from the viewpoint of the fallen man and his distorted views on the knowledge of God’s will that is available to him, we can begin to see the why the role has become bastardised and subject to abuse. The truth is that many see being labelled the head of the home as a role that demotes every other person in the household especially the wife to a subservient role, this is not true. This cannot be true especially when this role is perceived through the eyes of God and carried out in love the very foundation upon which these roles are meant to be carried out.

The truth is that even if we have the knowledge of God’s will and what he expects from us while carrying out this role, we must continue to abide in them and keep our focus on what they reveal to us , else we stand the risk of going astray and we would continue to ascribe what has come from our distorted nature as the will of God. I was sharing with a guy who said he was against the position of the scripture about marriage, I asked ‘why’, the guy went on to say that it was bias towards men as it demoted women to a subservient role. I knew where he was coming from and where he was going, so I pointed out this scripture to him:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. – Ephesians 5:25 -28.

Asking him if he understood what the scripture was asking of every husband here? I posed the question to him, ‘Would someone who loves his wife as much as he loves himself see her as not being equal? Would he treat her as an unequal partner? The question must be asked every husband who is a believer; do we love our wives as much as we love ourselves? I ask because this is the key. The key that helps every husband to carry out their role as the head of the household is found in the agape love, which the scripture demands that he walks in.

This is a question for every believer who is also a husband to answer. They must never be tempted (even though this remains a strong possibility) to see or view their wives as being a lesser partner in the union of marriage by virtue of the role which they have been assigned.

Although many cultures do not abide with what the scripture teaches, the sad truth is that the position taken by this contradictory views have managed to find it’s way even into believer’s perception on how they should view their wives in this union, but the truth must be reiterated, seeing your wife as anything less than an equal partner is wrong, it contravenes the will of God and it is sinful. The result of that sin is seen in the conflicts that such overbearing attitude brings about in the home.

So what does it mean to be the head of the home? Very good question and the only way I can even begin to answer this is to look at the image of Christ who is the head of the Church. The Church is called his bride, so Christ as the head carries out the role as a husband. What is the role assigned to Christ as the husband to the church?

He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.

The question is how did Christ set out to do this? Well he lived and demonstrated the will of God the Father to the Church as a way to emulate and follow. He taught and showed us as an example to follow. There is a reason why God asked Adam and not Eve to give an account of what had transpired in the garden (Genesis 3:8-11). You see as the head, Adam was responsible for making sure that the ways of the Lord are kept in his household, he is responsible for teaching it to his household, he is responsible for upholding this requirement even if all his household do not. In his position as the head, he has the responsibility to keep on standing on ensuring that the will of God as revealed to him is carried out in his family,  in his position as the head.

He must continue to do this in order to be able to deliver his household into the perfect will of God, just as Christ demonstrated.

But this is abstract you may say, yes it is abstract because as husbands we have abandoned the truth. I was stunned when I saw the authority which the husband wields over his household in order to ensure that there is peace for everyone living under his roof. I was going through the laws that God gave to Moses when I came across this:

Every vow and every binding oath to afflict her soul, her husband may confirm it, or her husband may make it void.- Numbers 30:13.

From this we can begin to catch a glimpse of the authority of the husband as the head, sadly though many have compromised this authority through the abuse of this position.

The truth is as husbands and head of the family, it is a role that demands that we lead and ensure that our family remains in the will of the Lord. This is done through living and demonstrating it in love just as Christ did, it is a sacrificial role, that demands that we are willing to lay down our lives just like Christ did. I have seen husbands who will do anything to preserve their family, but then you find out that while it appears they are dong this in line with the will of God, such do not have the knowledge of God in mind, it was more from instinct and something they have imbibed from their culture and tradition that was handed down to them.

This is one position that we do not need to strive for before we gain that recognition, I am pained to hear husband struggle to assert this position in their homes and they go about this through intimidation and coercion, employing all manner of approaches that further push their marriage towards the brink as opposed to bringing about peace and the honour that goes with the position. One thing that every husband must recognise is what the scripture says about the Adam, the very thing that even Paul re-iterated in his letter to the church:

For Adam was formed first, then Eve. – 1 Timothy 2:13.

What does this information mean? Well it simply states that by the law of nature, the man or the husband is the head and remains the head, it is a position which nature not only bequeath, but also one which God upholds, since nature is the handiwork of God. By nature we recognise and defer to the one who comes into the world ahead of us as being the senior. But in the case of the man/husband,  it is a position that comes with certain obligations in order for it to be upheld. Now while nature makes the man the head and demands that the woman submit to him as a result, the same nature also make us to understand that man came out from the woman, what is nature saying to us here again? Once again nature speaks the mind of God, that man and woman are dependent on each other, they both belong to each other.

Nevertheless, neither is man independent of woman, nor woman independent of man, in the Lord. For as woman came from man, even so man also comes through woman; but all things are from God. – 1 Corinthians 11:11 - 12.

As a result of the mystery highlighted above, there is a need to the husband to get a better understanding about what it means to be the head of the woman. In order to even have any idea of how to walk and become established in this position or what it demands as wells as being able to preserve it, all men must continually do one thing which is:

I desire therefore that the men pray everywhere, lifting up holy hands, without wrath and doubting; - 1 Timothy 2:8.

The honour and the authority which the position confers does not come through human struggle, it cannot be coerced out of the wife or from the household and it does not come from our ability  to provide for the needs to the families alone. When you see how helpless and powerless husbands and fathers can be sometimes when some affliction (physical or spiritual) come against their household and they look on helplessly and without the ability to do anything, then folks would begin to understand what it means to be able to walk in this authority.

Declaring his position as the head and husband of the Church  Jesus said:

While I was with them in the world, I kept them in Your name. Those whom You gave Me I have kept; and none of them is lost except the son of perdition, that the Scripture might be fulfilled – John 17:12.

Whether we agree with this position or not is something I am not going to debate about, but I must state clearly here that our views and opinions as well as whatever we believe should be our role as husbands/father or head needs to be reviewed along the lines of what we as men have been neglecting and paying less attention to. One of the greatest mistakes which we as men/husbands/fathers can ever make is to assume that our role is limited to providing physical securities and comfort for our household alone, this so wrong.

I have shown earlier how the man either in the position of a father or husband can annul an unfavourable vow hanging over his daughter or wife, a vow that she would have been ensnared to without a higher authority to set her loose. We see also from the scripture how fathers have the authority to invoke the blessings of God upon their children (Genesis: 27:27-27, 48:15). I do not know if there is anywhere in the scripture where a wife declares such a blessing, this is not saying wives are lesser, rather it is simply saying they have not been given that role.

What I am saying in essence is this, for all men to be established in the position where they are declared the head of the family, they must recognise that this authority comes from God and it is only by steadfastly standing in his presence and seeking his face on how to go about it that they would be able to walk continuously and effectively in this authority. When they continue to stand in his presence and comply with what he reveals to them , no one, i repeat no one would ever be able to challenge that position , if they do such would fall flat on their face.

It is sad to see how this authority is being eroded daily and men it appears do not even know what to do in order to put a stop it, I hear men at counselling sessions complain about their wives no longer having respect for them. But by the time you hear the other side of the story, one is almost tempted to encourage the wife in question to continue to disrespect such men. These are husbands and fathers who demand the honour that goes with that role, but have failed woefully and abysmally to perform the role.

I live in the part of the world where daily it appears the men are losing the plot on every front, strangely the laws responsible for this are being made by bodies which appear to have men in the majority, yet these bodies it appears continue to churn out decree after decree that keep on decimating the men and reducing them to a pathetic and pitiable beings in the hands of their women, especially their wives. Sadly a number of men are caught up in this, I have heard and spoken to men who appear to be helpless and do not know what to do or how to get out of the helplessness. This is one of the reasons why divorce is on the rise, people looking for the ideal wife or husband while not looking deep at themselves in the mirror first.

There have been instances of messy divorce cases where the man loses everything, his home, money and children. As a result some would resort to some dastardly means to avenge themselves. There was the case of a man who fearing the consequences of divorce and the prospect of losing the custody of his children, killed every one of them and took his own life after. This has happened not once, but several times. How did men/husbands and head of the family get to this low point? I must say it has nothing to do with these laws; it is simply because we have forsaken the very path that gave the authority to the men to be the head in the first place,  the way back is to go back to Paul’s advice:

I desire therefore that the men pray everywhere, lifting up holy hands, without wrath and doubting; - 1 Timothy 2:8.

It is no coincidence that women and wives appear to be waxing stronger everyday,  it is not by magic that the laws that is making this possible appears to be favouring them even when this is being done by bodies dominated by the men. You see they (women and wives) are the ones who now appear to be doing the very thing that Paul enjoined all men to be doing. Fathers are no longer the custodians of God’s will and words for their families in their homes, they no longer live the godly life and teach their household about the knowledge of God, they do not because they cannot, they cannot because they have abandoned the path that equips them to do so. When fathers have abandoned their role and run away from home, it is the women they leave the responsibility of bringing up the children in the knowledge of God to. It is the women/wives they leave with the children to raise them up in the way and manner that still leaves room for them to grow up as decent folks in life. I cannot stress this enough as i can testify to this with my own life.

Because it is the wives who now carry out these assignments and roles, when husbands and fathers speak today it carries no weight, you want to know why? It does not have the authority which the word of God gives to it because they have abandoned the authority that establishes them in that role. They try to wave their earning and economic power to intimidate and coerce respect from their wives it used to work in the past, but suddenly the women are now earning more, staying longer in jobs and getting better paying jobs, on all front the man is losing his position as the head. All of a sudden they cannot flaunt their economic powers like they used to, they cannot use it to intimidate and coerce their wives into submission any longer for the fear of such wealth being taken off them in the case of divorce. I hear stories of women who now control the home; they are now the ones who go out to marry a man and no longer the other way around.  How, did the man who God made the head of his family unit on earth descend to such a pitiable state? This is because they have forsaken the simple instruction and have abdicated the obligation which the role demands to their wives.

Whether you agree with me or not, again this is not up for debate, check the word of God and look around you today. The word of God is living and it cannot lie. Go to churches the population of men are dwindling, go to prayer meetings such events are filled with women , while the men are busy running after the material things of life, enslaving themselves not only to those things , but abdicating their authority on the home front to the women as well. Positions which ought to be occupied by men in the churches are now being filled by women, because men are no longer in church, when they bother to show up, it is because of the God fearing wives who insist that they come along with the family, in order words it is because the wives are now exercising the authority which they (Men)  as the head of the house should have exercised in the first place.

I once ministered at a Church where the population of the women was almost 95 percent, where are the men? And even where they are in the church, it is just out of religion, you do not want to listen to what some husbands /fathers and head of family units who are believers get up to in their homes when they put off the garb of religion. They engage in all manner of things that continue to erode the honour and the authority only to turn around and demand for the same.

I have limited my exposition on the role of the husband to that of the head of the family unit and I have restricted myself to the need for all men to become God fearing men, who prays continually ,lifting up holy hands unto the Lord in order to be established in that role. I have deliberately left out the other aspect of his role as the husband, because the part I am highlighting sums up everything, this is what the role means and what it entails. If as men/husbands/father and head of the home we can continue to lift up our hands seeking the face of God, we would be adequately equipped to play the other roles effectively. There are homes where everything is provided, money, security and comfort, yet there is no peace, none of these things can guarantee peace, only the house where the head recognises what it means to be the head of the family in the eyes of God and understands the will of God for his home can abide in this peace.

Therefore, if a man recognises this and abides with this, he would be accorded every respect and honour he deserves without even demanding for it. I always maintain that whenever anyone demands to be shown respect, he should first of all look at himself and ask: ‘what have I been doing to deny myself of this respect’. If as men we return to the Lord in order that we might understand what he demands of us as men/husbands/father and the head of his family unit on earth, our homes will become established on such a foundation that is built in line with the position which God has taken on marriage.